


Explanations

by 852_Prospect_Archivist



Category: The Sentinel
Genre: Angst, Drama, First Times, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-10
Updated: 2013-05-10
Packaged: 2017-12-11 06:41:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,155
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/795012
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/852_Prospect_Archivist/pseuds/852_Prospect_Archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jim's clueless, Blair is too. Simon calls, Naomi does too.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Explanations

## Explanations

by silvina

Standard Disclaimer. I'm setting them free from bondage. Well, maybe not from bondage, but at least from their bonds. Please send comments, questions, compliments, and otters to sdelcul@yahoo.com.

First Simon called, then Naomi called and they decided to take over the story. At least they managed to clue Jim and Blair into reality.

* * *

"Thanks for the ride, Megan." 

"You're welcome, Sandy. Sure you don't want some help or anything?" 

Like a place to stay? He could hear the question in her voice and it made him smile at her convincingly when he just wanted to run. "Nah. We're fine. It was just a misunderstanding." 

"You mean it was just Jim throwing a tanty," she tossed out on her way out. 

Grabbing his backpack and duffel bag from the sidewalk, Blair gathered himself for the trip upstairs. He'd tell Jim that he'd sleep there since it was late, but that he'd be out by morning. He just had to hold on until he was somewhere else. Hold on, for this was going to hurt like hell. 

* * *

Simon and Jim had both driven themselves, so Jim was already upstairs, waiting. Actually, he was rather close to panicking, knowing that he'd done the unforgivable, but also knowing that this was Blair, which meant that he'd be forgiven. The question was, would it be before or after Blair left? 

Just hold on. Don't get ahead of yourself. Only time would tell if Blair would understand. 

He heard Blair being dropped off, and through the window he could actually see the smile Blair gave Megan. Blair wouldn't be smiling by the time he managed to huff his way to the loft, but he wouldn't appreciate a hand right now, either. Not Jim's hand, anyway. 

Deciding to make things easier on Blair for tonight, he went upstairs. Sleep was not going to come easily. 

* * *

When Blair opened the door, the darkness wasn't the first thing he noticed. It was the silence. For a moment he couldn't even hear the hum of the refrigerator over his awkward footsteps toward his room. It felt like any minute now, Jim would pop out from the woodwork and yell, "Boo!" and this would all have been a bad joke. Ha ha. 

It was a bad joke, all right. A cosmic joke, on Blair. -- Let's give him a best friend and a home to share and see what happens when we take it away, eh? 

What is it in me that refuses to believe? he asked himself. A friend had asked him recently about when he was gonna go for the 'real thing.' Blair remembered wondering what exactly the real thing would be. Getting married? He'd replied that living with Jim was certainly cleaner, plus he could date other people without getting in trouble. They'd both laughed and gone back into the bachelor party. His friend had gotten married in the morning. 

'Who am I kidding?' Blair thought. 'This isn't easier than the real thing.' He threw his stuff down on the floor. That was easier; now he wouldn't have to pack in the morning. 

* * *

Upstairs, Jim was berating himself a hundred ways from Thursday as he kept an ear on Blair. Finally closing his eyes, he allowed himself to pretend that Blair was beside him and that he could say whatever he wanted to him. He could reassure him. 

'My love, you know that you're my best friend, know I'd do anything for you. My love, let nothing come between us. My love for you is strong and true. Unlike my 'love' for Alex, which I had no control over. Am I in heaven here, or am I in hell? I think I'm standing at the crossroads between them. I can hear his heartbeat and his breathing, and I can smell him, although it's very, very faint. Because in reality, he doesn't spend time in my bedroom. And in reality I packed everything of his up when I threw him out. It's hard for me to say that now. And sometimes I make myself say all of it out loud. I threw him out. He died. The last is especially hard to say. 

When it was all happening, it was so fast that it never really sunk in. I mean, he was dying, and then the panther was there and I saw the wolf that in the dream morphed into Blair, and they ran at each other and there was this bright light . . . And then Blair was back, and part of me knew everything would be all right. 

By this point, I'm just kind of numb. If I keep thinking about it now, I'm never going to get to sleep. 

He crept downstairs to the bathroom, and after waiting a few minutes he washed his hands. Before leaving he opened the hamper and grabbed for the first thing of Blair's he could find. The fact that it was dirty didn't even cross his mind. It smelled like Blair. Taking it upstairs, he tucked it under the pillow before curling the pillow under his head. 'Perfect,' he thought, as he drifted off to sleep. 

* * *

Blair held his breath as he heard Jim coming down the stairs, worried that he'd woken him up. He released it as he heard Jim enter the bathroom. 'So,' Blair thought, 'now Jim is back upstairs sleeping peacefully, and I'm lying here awake at five o'clock in the morning. I'm Jewish by tradition, although Naomi definitely wasn't Orthodox. Between anthropology and the shamanistic side of being a guide, I don't really have a religion, but I believe in God, or a God I guess. 

'Cause I really hope somebody is up there listening because I'm about to pray. I hope that Jim will be strong tomorrow when I tell him. I'm only doing this because I have to. So we'll live to see another day. I diedbecause I wasn't strong enough before. And this time I'm afraid Jim will die if he isn't able to get control of his senses and that will be my fault. Besides, this really is for the best. Maybe someday we'll look back at this and praise it as the decision that saved our friendship. Please let there be a friendship to salvage.' 

Blair spent another hour lying there, in which he tried to name every course he'd ever taken at Rainier as an undergrad and every student in his Anth 101 class (all 73 of them). By 6:30 he finally came up with the last one. Cheryl Young. 

Knowing that Jim's alarm went off at seven, he decided to get up anyway. He wasn't sleeping, and maybe having breakfast ready would soften Jim up to what Blair had to say. Intent on making his way to the kitchen, he found himself halfway up the stairs instead. From there he could see that Jim was still asleep and his graceful sprawl forced Blair up the stairs for one last look. 

A stream of warm light from the skylight danced onto Jim's body and he stretched like a cat sleeping in the warm spot under a lamp. Then he smiled and practically purred as he stretched again. Blair flew down the stairs. 

* * *

Jim woke up feeling remarkably refreshed on two hours of sleep. He'd been dreaming of Blair, and even now he wasn't sure if he was still dreaming, because he could smell Blair strongly without having to strain his senses. Needing to see his partner, he got dressed quickly and went downstairs. "Morning, Chief." 

Blair turned from the frying pan. "Hey, Jim." 

Jim was surprised at how bad Blair looked. He was still beautiful, but there were large bags under his eyes and he needed a shave. He looked -- rough. Jim scolded himself. 'Let's see, you throw him out, get him killed, bring him back, jet off to Peru, make out with the woman who killed him. . . . And he's supposed to look fresh as a daisy?' 

"I'm leaving, Jim." 

What?! Had he missed something? Heard wrong? 

* * *

Blair slapped a hand over his mouth, but it was too late; the words had leapt out. Thinking that the hard part had only begun, he nervously began trying to explain how this was for the best and how everything would be better now. His babble eventually slowed as there was no response from Jim. 

'Surely he has some response,' Blair thought. 'When I wanted him to take it well, I didn't mean that well.' He feared for a minute that Jim had zoned out, but when he took a few steps closer Jim backed away. 

* * *

"When?" 

"Well, I'm already packed"--I packed for you, you mean.-- "and so I'll spend today looking. So, probably tomorrow. But it's not like we won't see each other. I'll still come to the station when I can, and you know that if you ever need me all you have to do is call, and you know the number of the cell phone and my office, and as soon as I get a phone I'll give you that number." 

Jim nodded. "Okay. I gotta be at the station." 

"Just let me clean this up and I'll-" 

"Don't worry about it, Chief. You should spend the day resting." 

"I guess I can always start looking for an apartment." 

"Sure. See you." 

He had already shut the door behind him when he heard Blair's whispered "bye." 

* * *

Instead of beginning his search or even having breakfast, Blair sat on the couch. Caught up in his mind, he barely noticed that it was now late afternoon. He should get something to eat, but the thought made him nauseous. Blair went to the phone, intending to dial a real estate agent and find out what was available, but again his heart overpowered his head and his fingers dialed Simon instead. His finger hovered over the disconnect button until he heard the familiar gruff voice. 

"Banks." 

"Hi, Simon." 

"I'm surprised to be hearing from you so soon, kid. What's up?" 

"How's Jim?" 

"What do you mean?" 

"Well, he went to work this morning." 

"He's got the day off. Didn't he tell you?" 

"No. He said he was going in and that I should stay here and rest. I should have known. He took it too easily." 

"Took what?" 

"I was going to tell him last night, but he was already in bed, and then I was going to tell him this morning, but I sort of blurted it out after breakfast, and oh, god, Simon, what have I done?" 

"Hold on a minute there. Just take a deep breath, and tell me what you told Jim this morning." His calmness was a welcome reprieve from the panic Blair was building himself up to. 

"I told him that I was going to move out." 

"You what?!" 

"I not abandoning him, Simon. I'm still going to be with him at the station and everything. I just don't think he wants me around twenty-four/seven and maybe it's for the best." 

"Are you stupid, Sandburg? No, wait. Don't answer that. Of course you are; you both are." 

"There's no need to be --" 

"Dammit, Sandburg, of course there is. Don't the two of you ever talk?" Blair heard a heavy sigh. 

"Simon, what aren't you telling me?" 

"Nothing. I know nothing. How did he react when you told him?" 

"He didn't. Not really. For a moment I thought he was zoning, but then he just asked when and said he was going to work." 

"And you didn't think there was something a little bit odd with that? Come on, Sandburg. You didn't see him when he thought you were - that you had- " 

"Died?" 

"Yeah." 

"It's okay Simon. You can say it. I died." 

"You didn't see his face, Blair. He brought you back by sheer force of will because he couldn't stand the thought of living without you. This is not a man who's going to take your leaving lightly." 

"If he's not at the station, where is he, Simon?" 

"Relax, Sandburg. I'm sure he's fine." 

* * *

He had driven away from the loft quickly, but he knew he couldn't go to the station. Even if Simon would have put him to work, he was still rational enough to know he wouldn't have been any good. Instead he chose to go to the park, hoping to be alone. Just alone. He'd have to get used to that again. 

Walking along the path, he spotted a bench, and unsure of himself and his control, he sat down. There weren't many people out and about in the park in the early part of a weekday, just a few grandparents and mothers with infants. A bird flew into the maple tree and he traced its path through the branches to a small nest tucked away. Unconsciously zooming in with his vision, he could see one last baby bird in the nest. The mother bird, as he could tell that it was because it was not brightly colored, helped the baby bird to the edge of the nest and gave one more little push until it fell. It didn't fall far before it began beating its wings over and over, faster and faster, and finally Jim understood the message. 

'Oh God, if you're out there, won't you hear me? I know that we've never talked before. Oh God, the man I love is leaving. Won't you take him when he comes to your door? Won't you protect him as I can't?' He had to be strong and let Blair go even if it would be hell. 

* * *

He was standing at a crossroads now. He thought he'd been doing what was best for Jim, but now he wasn't so sure. Simon obviously thought he was wrong, and had gone so far as to insinuate that he was missing something. What could he be missing? 

He didn't realize he was pacing until he went around the couch for the third time and felt dizzy. Maybe it would be better if he sat down. 

When the phone rang, he picked it up immediately. "Jim? Is that you?" 

"No, dear. It's just me. What's wrong? Did you and Jim have an argument?" 

He fought down panic, hoping she wouldn't ask what they were fighting about. If she asked, everything would come pouring out and he'd have to explain why leaving would be better for Jim. He'd managed to get this far without anybody telling Naomi about his little mix-up; all he needed was another thirty or forty years without her finding out. 

"Sort of. What's up?" 

"I'm sure it will be all right, sweetie. I know he loves you too. All lovers fight." 

Lovers? Did she just say lovers? As in love? I mean, I love Jim. Like a brother. I'm not - I can't be - we're not - and, oh God, Simon. That's what - he thought - he was - oh, Mylanta. 

"-And I'm sure by tonight it'll be over and you'll both sleep peacefully. It's better than lying awake not talking. Be strong, honey. Everything will be fine by tomorrow." 

His thoughts were gradually slowing in their frenetic mile dash through his brain. "Tomorrow? What's special about tomorrow?" 

"Blair Jacob Sandburg, have you forgotten your mother's birthday?!" 

Mentally he was cursing in five languages: English, Spanish, French, Cantonese, and Quechua. He had meant to tell Jim, but then Alex had . . . well, and then there had been other things happening and it had completely slipped his mind. Until now. "Of course I haven't forgotten. How often do we get to spend birthdays together? I was kidding. You know, ha ha? Sorry, I'm just - " 

"It's all right, sweetie. I know you're just worried about Jim. So anyway, I'm on my last plane, I'll be there around eight." 

His heart raced again as the door opened and Jim walked in. Seeing that Blair was on the phone, he nodded in greeting and went upstairs. 

"I gotta go, Mom. Jim's back and -" 

"All right, hon. Go kiss and make up. I'll see you in a few hours." 

"Bye, mom." Hanging up the phone, he lingered downstairs. He knew he should go talk to Jim, make him see, or at least do something, but it was hard. Then he remembered what Naomi had believed, and what Simon had insinuated, and he just had to know. He had to know the truth before he left. 

Each step felt like a thousand. 

* * *

Could he fake sleep when Blair made it to the landing? Should he fake a normal conversation and hope Blair didn't mention leaving? Was it ever going to stop hurting when he left? 

It was only when Blair reached the top step that he made a decision. Letting Blair go was hard enough, besides, it was only seven. He couldn't believably fake sleep anyway. 

In an awkward roll he turned to face Blair. "Yeah?" 

"Uh, I'm not disturbing you or anything am I? Cause I can come back if you're busy or something. It's okay. I'll just - later, man." 

Blair was already halfway down the stairs before Jim could say anything. "Blair, wait!" 

He paused, but didn't turn around. 

"I'm not busy. What is it?" 

When Blair turned around, he climbed up a few more steps but didn't look at Jim. That was entirely all right with Jim, who wasn't able to look at Blair, either. 

"I know I said that I would be out of your hair by tomorrow, but I forgot that tomorrow is my mother's birthday and she's coming in and I didn't want to get a hotel room or something for that one night and if I tell her I'm moving out she'll ask why and I really don't want to tell her about, you know, and well, I was just wondering if . . . I . . . could maybe . . . " 

"Postpone your leaving?" 

"Yeah. If you wouldn't mind." 

"Can I ask you something?" He didn't know what possessed him to ask, but he couldn't postpone the agony. 

"Sure." 

"Why do you want to leave?" 

He could see and hear Blair's Adam's apple bob in his throat as he swallowed heavily. "Uh, because -" 

"The truth, Blair, please. I need to know." He stared into Blair's face finally, imploring him to answer honestly. 

"Were you listening to my phone call?" 

"No." 

"Then why do you want to know?" 

"I think I need to." 

* * *

Those pale blue eyes stared into him like twin diamond bores, startling him into honesty. "Because I can't do this anymore." 

Jim nodded. "I thought that's what it might be. I'm sorry, Blair. I wish I could have been the kind of sentinel you needed." 

"What?" 

"I'll understand if you don't want to come by the station. I'll be okay. Really." 

"Wait a minute. I missed something. What are you talking about?" 

"I'm talking about you leaving because of what happened. Because I couldn't protect you. Because I messed up." 

"I'm not leaving because you're not perfect, Jim. I'm not perfect either. We both made mistakes. I'm still your friend. And your Guide. I always will be." 

"Then why are you leaving?" 

"I talked to Simon earlier. He told me you had the day off." 

"Did he say something to you?" 

"No. Yes. He just suggested some things -" 

"What things?" 

"And Naomi called and she thought that-" He stopped. 

"She thought that - spill it, Darwin. This is like pulling teeth. What do your mother and Simon have to do with why you're leaving?" 

This would require some fine two-stepping and obfuscation on his part. "She just thinks that we're, you know, lovers, and I think Simon wonders. And I didn't want there to be any rumors about -" 

"Blair, those rumors have been around since the first day you came to the station. What's different now?" 

"Because I want them to be true." It was the truth, and it would make Jim let him go after tomorrow without any more questions. Jim wasn't homophobic and he kept his word. 

"Oh." Jim stood up. 

"Oh?" 

"Okay." He moved closer. Very close. 

"Okay?" 

"You want them to be true and so do I. So let's make them true. What time is your mother coming?" Jim was as close as he could get without actually touching. 

"Nine." 

"Well then, I guess we'll have to hurry." 

He flipped the switch on the wall behind him and took that final step forward in darkness. And smiled. This wouldn't hurt a bit. 

When Jim stopped, he bit back a groan. Jim had his head cocked, listening to something. 

"What's wrong?" 

"I think someone's trying to break into the Weinschenks' downstairs." He was up and down the stairs before Blair had sent sufficient blood flow back to his head. "Call the station." 

By the time they were finished with all the paperwork, Naomi was already at the loft. 

"Mom!" Blair flew up to hug his mother. 

"Oh sweetie. It's so good to see you." She whispered in his ear. "Have you made up yet?" 

Jim tried not to smirk at hearing her. Oh yeah. They'd made up already. They just hadn't made out yet. "Happy Birthday, Naomi." 

Blair sat back and watched Jim's surprised expression when Naomi let go of her son and hugged him as well. "Thank you, Jim." 

"You hungry, mom?" 

"I could eat." 

"Good. Because I'm starving." 

With all three of them in the kitchen dinner became a complicated ballet of 'excuse me's' and 'pardon me's'. Blair used every opportunity to tease his Sentinel, bumping into him and whispering what he was going to do to Jim as soon as they were alone. 

Later that night after presents had been opened (a cell phone from Jim and a wolf mask from the Council of All Beings from Blair ) and Naomi was safely ensconced in what was now Blair's old room, Jim and Blair went upstairs. 

At the top step Jim pushed Blair onto the bed and pulled off his sweatshirt and T-shirt in one move. He smiled under Blair's stare and stepped out of his shoes and socks. "You know, we might get to the good part a little faster if you stopped staring and started undressing too." 

"Oh believe me, this _is_ the good part. God, you're gorgeous." But he took off his own shoes and socks. By the time Jim was down to boxers, he had finished undressing and was stretched out on Jim's blue and yellow sheets. 

"I love you, you know." 

"I love you, too." 

They both moaned loudly as Jim lay down on top of Blair, keeping most of his weight on his arms. "Shhh." 

"What?" Blair whispered. 

"Naomi. She's - hold on . . . . .." He slid off Blair. 

Torture. It was sheer torture for Blair to be still and quiet now of all times. 

"Okay. She's gone back to sleep. We're going to have to be real quiet unless you want to wake your mother up." 

Blair pulled a pillow over his face. "moihgaoidfafioff" Jim snickered. "What was that?" 

"Why is this my life?" 

Jim smiled. "Oh come on. It's not that bad. We just have to be quiet." 

"Jim. Have I ever been good at being quiet? Es-ohhhhhhhh. Espe-cially with - - with you -ohhhhh god, Jimmmmm." 

The pillow was flung up toward his face again. It got a lot of use that night. 

* * *

Sarah McLachlan, "Hold On"  
Hold on  
Hold on  
Hold on to yourself  
for this is gonna hurt like hell  
Hold on  
Hold on to yourself  
you know that only time will tell  
What is it in me that refuses to believe this isn't easier than the real thing  
My love  
you know that you're my best friend  
you know I'd do anything for you  
my love  
let nothing come between us  
my love for you is strong and true  
Am I in heaven here or am I...  
at the crossroads I am standing  
So now you're sleeping peaceful  
I lie awake and pray  
that you'll be strong tomorrow and we'll see another day and we will praise it  
and love the light that brings a smile  
across your face  
Oh god if you're out there won't you hear me I know that we've never talked before  
oh god the man I love is leaving  
won't you take him when he comes to your door Am I in heaven here or am I in hell  
at the crossroads I am standing  
So now you're sleeping peacefulI lie awake and pray that you'll be strong tomorrow and we'll see another day and we will praise it  
and love the light that brings a smile  
across your face...  
Hold on  
hold on to yourself  
for this is gonna hurt like hell 

* * *

End Explanations by silvina: sdelcul@yahoo.com

Author and story notes above.

  
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